When is Giving not Really Giving? - A Psychological Analysis from a Layperson

Let me just apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone by my sidewalk analysis.  It's just some observations I've made and I have to get them off my chest. 
Last week tornadoes tore through my home state of Alabama destroying portions of the city in which I live along with countless other cities, communities, homes and lives.  I was actually out of town on business while the whole thing happened.  Never have I had a longer drive home that the 400 miles I traversed the day after.  I had fear in my heart as I approached home not knowing what I would see.  I knew that our power was out along with most of the city and there were many trees down and homes destroyed.  And as I got within the limits of my home town, I saw - nothing out of the ordinary.  No shrubbery on the side of the highway flattened.  There were no broken or bent street signs.  Not even traffic askew from what I normally experience.  On my street, yes there were trees down, but when I got within 3 homes of my own, it was like there had only been a bad thunderstorm and little twigs were all over the yard.  What is that strange twinge I feel?  Is that relief or guilt?  Shouldn't I be overjoyed that the sun was shining and my home is in the same condition that I left it?  The power outage was merely an inconvenient blemish on a day so sunny and temperate that we didn't even need the A/C.  My young kids thought the whole thing an adventure - from packing bags and stuffies and climbing into the tub to camping in our tent in the sun room even after the electricity was back. 
While driving home, my mind raced of ways to help.  Donate my samples, make my co-workers donate their samples, make toiletries kits, give cash, lend time.  So many things I could do.  But when I get home, everything in my immediate world seems okay.  I know that there has been unprecedented devastation around the state and not even very far from my home.  But the only way I am seeing it is in the papers and on the Internet.  I really did go out the next day and spend about $150 dollars culling together travel samples of toothpaste, deodorants, toothbrushes, etc to make 20 bathroom kits.  I did ask permission of one of the brands I rep permission to donate the samples to American Red Cross.  When I dropped off the bathroom kits that I so lovingly put together, it was an unceremonious dump off at a donations processing site without even a thank you from the person who took it from me.  And I heard this little voice inside my head say, "hey, I worked hard on those and I don't even get a thank you?"  No, that has to be my imagination because they are working so hard and giving of their time to be here to receive donations.  People appreciate it.  I ask about getting a receipt for the clothing donation that my company would make.  I got a sideways remark about corporations wanting the tax break and how no one else had asked for a receipt.  I wanted to get defensive and say that it is their right to get a receipt, but instead I feel sheepishly guilty for even asking.  Is a donation more valuable if we don't ask for a receipt?  It is more selfless?  I feel creepy-like that I am doing all this to make myself feel better for not being a victim.  What is wrong here?  I am making myself nauseous. 
I go home and log onto my Facebook account to catch up on what has been going on since the storm.  Thousands of pictures and videos of the tornadoes posted by all of us that are safe.  We re-tell victims' stories over and over for them.  It is all horrible and unfathomable.  I see links to register to volunteer or donate.  I see an interesting link for Hands On Birmingham that seems to be a central allocation site of manpower for volunteering and has lots of comments on their posts.  I sign up for a 4 hour shift and then go back to Facebook to post that I signed up and see what everyone else has posted.  Well, its all the same thing that I just posted, "signed up!", but in an increasingly aggressive one-ups-man manner.  One person has signed up for an 8 hour shift.  The next is signing up for 2 days worth.  Another will sign up for 4 days and the most recent has signed up for 6 days and is waiting for HOB to post additional dates and needs so she can sign up for more.  Seriously.  I am so glad that some of us have nothing else going on in our lives like work or family or routine that you can completely abandon your previous life to dedicate it to volunteering for the Cause.  Oh, crap did I just say that??  Elsewhere on Facebook, people are checking in at a school in Pratt City, on a bus to Cordova; they have worked 15 hours, slept 3 hours, taken a shower and are now back out there to help more.  "I have half a pallet of pet shampoo to donate."  Thunderous applause follows. 
Please don't misinterpret smart-aleck-ness.  I think that all the help that has been given is fantastic and worthwhile.  I wish more would help.  It is great that people turn out in droves to give time, money and substance to help those who are in need.  I am glad that people care.  I am among them.  But I also know that I posted my little "I signed up" so that someone would see that I am doing my share and assuage my bizarre guilt for not being a victim myself.  And so I wonder if everyone out there posting is subconsciously doing the same thing.  We want to and like to help others, but we need for someone to recognize that we are doing something good and give us a pat on the back. We have a huge case of "it could have should have been me" syndrome.
I guess it doesn't really matter why we give or help or share as long as it gets done.  Kudos to everyone out there who is pitching in to help out in whatever cause it is that you have found to be yours.

The Bloomin' Garden and other Mid-Life Crisis Moments of Note

Thank you God that tax day is behind us, and we can get on with our lives.  So this week, it's a little work and then taking some time out to smell the ocean and the berries.  Lucky me that my work takes me to beautiful coastal areas where the sun shines brightly, like Fernandina Beach, FL.  Lord, I have found the place that I want to retire. Incidentally, since it is Easter weekend, there will be some obligatory praising of the Christian deity.  I don't know how many times I have been to Fernandina Beach for work and never actually went to the beach.  Well, after the 8 hour drive out the day before, I was feeling a little reluctant to get back in my car for the reciprocal drive back.  A leisurely walk on the beach picking sea shells is just the thing.  Look at the shells and smell the salt air.  Ahhhhh. 

An hour later, back in the car, motoring west on Hwy 520, it's pretty boring.  It's pretty boring for at least 4 hours.  Wait, there is a sign with a big strawberry painted on it.  Quick, u-turn and cutting across 3 lanes of traffic, it's a u-pick strawberry farm out in the middle of nowhere on the side of a highway!!  Suddenly, I am not in such a rush to get home.  I look out over the small field - maybe only 1/2 acre and walk up to the farm stand.  "Sure, here is a bucket - $1.50 a pound, pick as much as you like!"  I'm in heaven.  A quick 25 minutes later, I am $5.30 poorer, but 3.5 lbs of berries richer and smiling like a kid who has both sweet berries and dirt in my mouth.  A little dirt never hurt us when we were kids.  Just because I am an adult, there is reason to think that it will now. 

Now, that I'm back home, I can concentrate on my own berries and such in our garden.  Well, there are a lot.  The cage we built was great - until a bird got in and then couldn't get out.  Luckily, someone was around to let the poor thing back out.  Only a few berries pecked, we have our own harvest ready to be picked.  Tomato, bean (wave 1 and 2) and pepper plants are growing in the ground.  Dill and basil are everywhere.  The corn is in, and the okra went in today.  Only the eggplant seedlings are left to strengthen a little before they go into the ground. 
While we were pulling some weeds this afternoon, my sweet hubby says to me, "Are all those tomatoes??" as he points to a frame full of seedlings that aren't weeds.  And I reply, "The two with the trestles around them are the climbing vine full sized tomatoes.  The rest are some form of grape or cherry."  And he says, "Um, I thought that we were going to go easy on the tomatoes this year."  And I start to explain that there are 3 varieties of miniatures, and I couldn't just plant one of each in case they didn't seed, and . . . nevermind.  So I just say that I got a little carried away.  For additional moments on getting carried away, please reference the last blog posting and pretty much everything that I planted last year.
Final 2 carried away moments this week that I am going to attribute to a mid-life crisis.  1.)  I just registered for my first half-marathon.  Pretty ballsy for someone who hates to run.  Training to start eventually.  All I know is that since I shelled out $155 for the registration, there is no way that I am going to not do it.  2.)  In a previous life, namely, my 20s, I had crazy short, buzz cut boy hair.  And then it grew to something that resembled a porcupine that mated with Robert Smith from The Cure.  More than a decade later, I'm goin' back in time, baby.  Someone send me some giant dangle-y earrings.

Confessions and a possible mid-life crisis

If you didn't have a chance to read the last post, you didn't miss much, and I deleted it.  It was short and boring and didn't say anything really.  So, I'm trying again.
So, its April, and I think that this makes it about a year since I started this endeavor.  I can't really say that this has been a huge success, but at least, I have a way to vent without anyone smacking me about the head.  As far as gardening goes, I have plenty of seedlings hardening to put into the ground in the next week.  The first round of green beans and already in the ground, and the next wave will go in with the tomato, eggplant, and pepper seedlings.  I think I need to wait 2 more weeks for okra to go in, but I think that I am safe to put in the corn.  Dill and basil seedlings are everywhere.  The asparagus is sparse but growing.  And if ANYONE has any idea how to stop the spread of the freakin' Chinese chives, I would love to hear it.  I am going to try not to be obsessed with the garden this year, but I can tell that my search for balance will probably have to continue on a bit longer.
I've been finding, recently, that balance is no longer something that I'm really good at.  If I could find a turning point for when this started, I would have to say, maybe 2 years ago.  Perhaps it was one of the millions of moments that I've had thinking, "this is not where I thought I would be at this point in my life".  Maybe not. 
All I know is that when I find something to do, believe in, think, there ain't no stoppin' me.  I started to workout on a regular basis again about 6 months ago.  I couldn't just go to the gym and lift weights and run on the treadmill or take an aerobics class.  I had to join an outdoor boot camp, and workout intensely for 3 days a week.  And then that wasn't enough, so I had to add 1, then 2, then 3 days of running to go with it.  Thankfully, I have reigned that in a bit.  Then I decided that I needed a goal - a half marathon.  So I signed up for that.  Wait, that isn't enough, so I need to do a Warrior Dash too.  No wait, that isn't enough either so I have to run another race this weekend.
I've never been too outdoorsy, even though I work in the industry.  But in the last few months, I've been on more hikes than I had in the past 5 years.  I tried rock climbing for the first time - climbed so much I couldn't open my peanut butter jar for 3 days.  I took my son backpacking.  I dragged my 4 year old on 3 mile hikes.  I worked out at boot camp AND ran 5 miles directly afterwards.  I washed, dried, and folded 8 loads of laundry in one day.  Wait, that last one is normal.  
In the garden, I started out with wanting to do the corn and beans again, let the strawberries continue to roll, and then maybe a tomato plant or two and call it a day.  Now, nothing new is in the ground yet, and I have strawberries, asparagus, 3 kinds of cherry/grape tomatoes, 1 heirloom tomato, 2 kinds of peppers, eggplants, 2 frames of corn, a full frame of okra, dill, basil, thyme, rosemary, ever present Chinese garlic chives, and am still trying to decide if I want to do sweet potatoes again.  Huuuuuuu, big breath.
I am also obsessed with Greek yogurt, soup stock, and cheese.  Did I tell you about the time that I went out and bought beef marrow and lamb neck bones just to make stock and then had nothing planned to do with the stock??  That was intelligent.  Stupid French cook boot that I'm reading.
So, while this blog is about coaxing out the best in something, I think that I need some reigning in.  And so, I blame the whole thing on a mid-life crisis.  I look forward to old age, so that I can take it down a notch.

I Miss You Long Time

A long winter (which isn't over yet apparently) and I look forward to ideas for spring.  I should be turning the ground now and adding my worm poop to get the beds ready for March.  What to plant, what to plant?  Any ideas out there?  Herbs and tomatoes in some form are forgone conclusion.  I'm looking for things you have grown that tasted amazing and didn't die in the southern heat.  Talk to me people.  My seed catalog sits patiently for me to start marking it up!

Fall takes Hold

Usually, I am not a fall season girl.  Summer is my time of the year.  Spring is a close second.  Winter is for cocoa, cider, fireplaces and hibernation.  Fall is ragweed, goldenrods, and razor dry air.  This fall has been no exception.  However, what is different this year is that I am newly inspired to get my kids to take advantage of a fleeting few weeks of nice outdoor weather that bridge the unbearable heat to southerners freezing our a**es off.  Perhaps my son joining the Cub Scouts has also fueled this.  He has his first overnight camping trip in a couple weeks, so we broke out the tent and sleeping bags last night, and he and Jon spent the night under the tent under the stars in our front yard.  They came in around 7:30 this morning after the birds woke them and went back to bed upstairs, but that's nature for ya.
This afternoon we went to a fly fishing clinic in a beautiful nature preserve.  Only Jon got the hang of slinging the fly rod, but we all got a few casts in and enjoyed some beautiful weather.

The garden is also slowly growing; it's definitely not the summer time trailblazing growth.  It's a more subtle development.  The roots have taken hold, there is a new set of leaves; the grape tomatoes and eggplant still grow slowly.  The basil hangs on.  My reluctance to cut down the bloomed stems eggs on the remaining bumblebees to continue to pollinate.  The days may be waning but nature pushes forward.

Yummy Fall Food

I'm just here to brag about my best yet clean-out-the-produce-drawer pasta dinner to date!  Let me just say that typically when I use the odds and ends out of the fridge to make dinner, it is met with the groans normally associated with cafeteria mystery meat or left over casserole at home.  So tonight, while one child colored on the family room floor and the other headed out to play in the neighborhood, I was smoothly evasive about what would be for dinner.  So, just crowing here, but the kids cleaned their plate.  Triumph #1.  It was only after they had mostly finished their meal that I revealed all the ingredients in the pasta.  And surprisingly, no shudders!  Triumph #2.  So because this turned out so well, I thought I would share.  Hopefully you have the exact same leftovers in your drawers!

Fall Odds and End Pasta serves 4
8oz fettucine (or half a box)
1/2 fennel bulb sliced thin
1/2 bag spinach
1/2 bag salad mix
1 green apple thinly sliced
2 slices of bacon and 2 chicken tenders minced together
2 scallions white portion sliced into rings
1/2 c chicken or veggie broth
1/4 t dried or 1t fresh thyme

Cook pasta according to directions and drain.
Mix apples, scallions and fennel bulb together in a bowl and set aside.
Saute mixed meat until just cooked through in a med high heated pot.  Remove meat but reserve oil in pan left from cooking bacon.  If necessary, and an additional tablespoon canola oil.  Toss fennel, apple, scallion mixture in and saute until fennel is tender.  Add spinach, salad mix and then broth and cook just until leaf veggies are wilted.  Season to taste with salt, if necessary
Toss pasta into veggies and broth and mix thoroughly.  Serve with grated Parmesan or Romano cheese.

Fall Preview

Since I have been grounded from travel this week due to inadequate after hours child care status, I have had a lot of time to enjoy the waning days of Indian summer and the burgeoning of fall all the while getting a lot of badly needed office work done.  Being grounded rocks.
Today I spent almost 3 hours rooting out big chunks of weeds and spent summer vegetable plants from the main garden.  I saw a black widow spider and discussed how to tell the difference between a venomous and non-venomous snake while on the phone with a New England friend.  Gratified in my work done, I ventured to the fav garden store to supplement the fall garden.  Lettuces already in the works, I'm going to try some rainbow swiss chard, broccoli and cauliflower, and some beets - only 2 each of the last 3 items.  Last years cauliflower grew to the size of a peach and then just quit on us.  Beets - well I am just skeptical.
Anyhoo, just get yer-selves ready for next week's preview pics.  And I am still waiting on recipes, folks.  Let's go for something with the swiss chard or beets.  I think I can figure out the rest.